Beavers, Ferrets, & Incredibly Obvious Plot Holes
by Noir Lime Canuto
Summary: "Yo, fools, where's my pimpin' toad at?" Wait-Neville's a G? Hermione and Draco are in love? What is this? Some sort of incredibly absurd Fanfiction? Well, yes, in fact, it's a parody. Enjoy! :D


_**Beavers, Ferrets, and incredibly obvious Plot Holes**_

Hermione Sofia Maryland Cosby Granger looked into the mirror, her bright green eyes wide with horror. Well, her eyes were normally an icy blue, but they changed colors when she was upset. It was because of a magical spell put on her on her birth to hide that she was a Pureblood-- _anyway,_ as I was saying-- she'd changed a lot over the course of one summer. She finally had a nice figure, and her hair was as straight as it was at the Yule Ball. Sure, back then she'd needed all those bottles of that magical hair product, but luckily for her she'd found a spell that she'd overlooked last time, and now her hair was perfect.

Then, she realized she was going to miss the train-- she was so forgetful, it was really becoming a problem, if only she had a Rememberall- so she had to rush out the door. On her way out she managed to remember that she didn't have breakfast, and, even though it was known to be impossible, she magicked herself some food with a spell she'd read about in a book.

"Bananappear!" she exclaimed, moving her wand around quickly. Then, a banana appeared in her other hand, and she used a third hand to carry her bag down the steps of her house.

~^'.'^~

"Hermione," Ron said, sitting across from her in the compartment, "You look absolutely gorgeous. What happened?"

Harry was about to say something equally as tactless, but hesitated when he saw that Hermione was sobbing. "Chocolate frog?" he offered. She burst into even more tears, and ran from the compartment.

A few minutes later, after thinking it over, she arrived back in the compartment, looking absolutely lovely despite the fact that she'd been crying hysterically.

"So," Ron said, "You're the new head girl, right? Doesn't that mean that you have to share a common room with the head boy?"

"Yeah!" she said, grinning, "That's all right, though, Harry and I will invite you over sometimes. Isn't that right Harry?"

"What?" Harry asked, looking up from the secret collection of Beyonce CDs that he'd been organizing.

"Aren't we going to invite Ronald to our common room?"

"Wait-- Dumbledore has totes made some crazy rules before, but now we gotta, like, invite Ronald to be a Gryfindor?"

Ron looked very afraid, and started patting himself on the head soothingly, which was a habit the author of the original books had been kind enough not to mention.

"No, no, no, silly goose! I meant to invite him into our common room. The HEAD common room. 'Cause we're Head Boy and Head Girl! Honestly, Harry!"

"But Hermione," Harry said, perplexed, "I'm not head boy!"

Hermione, equally confused, and never one to think quickly, repeated dumbly, "You're not head boy? But then who--"

As if he'd been listening in, and we all know he probably had, Draco Malfoy kicked down the compartment door--an amazing feet of strength (or, you could say, with an amazing foot of strength...)

"ME!" He announced, his suddenly extremely muscular and awkwardly tan chest puffed out with pride, "That's right, Hermione—I mean, Granger—I mean Hermione—I mean--"

Hermione cut him off, taking pity on his confusion, "Call me Maryland," she told him, "It's my middle middle name."

"I thought your middle name was Jane?" Goyle asked, peeking up from his Sodoku book.

Everyone else in the compartment rolled their eyes and said, "Gooy-llle, not agaaaain!"

Goyle frowned and walked out, and Crabbe, who was working on a rubix cube, followed silently behind him, leaving Draco alone in the compartment with three Gryffindors.

"Anyway, guess what?" he said, grinning with glee.

"Ron's family is poor?" Harry guessed, looking back down at his Beyonce CD.

"Hermione's a mudblood?" Ron guessed, still patting his own head.

"Harry's parents were murdered and it's given him a hero complex that's reminiscent of Batman?"

"Nope!" Draco say, grinning, "Besides, I don't even know what a Batman is!"

"Oh," said Hermione, on the verge of tears again, "I... I forgot. I forget everything these days... I'm so horrible... and I'm ugly, too..."

"I'm going to go talk to Dumbledore, because we're BFFLs," Harry said, running out of the compartment.

"But he doesn't ride the train!" Hermione said, looking at Harry with a scowl, "Haven't you read Hogwarts; A History?"

But he was long gone.

"I'm going to go snog Lavender Brown, 'cause it's fun!" Ron said, skipping out of the compartment.

Hermione started sobbing again, her magical make-up staying in place and her magical icy purple eyes sparkling with unhappiness. Draco saw this and, always a fan of sparky objects, sat down beside her.

"Maryland," he whispered, his gray—no, I mean, orange, yeah, orange-- his orange eyes glowing with concern, "I've never hated you."

She peeked up at him, pouting, "For realsies?"

"Yeah," he whispered, "Totes for realsies."

"Oh wow!" Hermione said, her sparkling golden eyes flickering to the compartment window, "I probably shouldn't believe you."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And I should probably be upset over all that bullying you did before."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"But..."

"I know," he said, pressing a finger to his lips, "I slipped a love potion into your pumpkin juice out of sheer desperation."

"Why?" she asked, looking up into his all-seeing-orbs-of-pure-sexiness.

"Because," he said, "I think your unruly hair is incredibly sexy."

"But I changed it! Guys never notice hair, do th--" but this time it was Hermione who was cut off.

The compartment door was again kicked down, and Neville Longbottom walked in.

"Yo, fools, where's my pimpin' toad at?" then he saw Draco and his eyes went wide, "Dawg, is it me, or is you lookin' shawty hotz?"

"Oh, right," Hermione said, "I forgot something again. Now I remember. I gave Neville my pumpkin juice. Oops!"

"So, you love me for sure?"

"Yeah, totes!"

"Yo, dawgz--"

"Darnit, just kill Neville."

"_AVADA KADAVRA_! That's better. Now that the compartment is once again conveniently empty, let's make out."

"You mean snog."

"Whatevs. Either way, I get fifty galleons from Blaise, my frenemy, if we do."

"Oh. 'Kay."

_**THE END**_

_**Disclaimer: **_This all belongs to J.K. Rowling, though I dunno why she'd want_ this_. Harry Potter as a whole is worth owning, though.

_**Author's Note:**_ Yeah, I know, it's awful. I wrote this ages ago 'cause I was bored. Keep in mind this is a joke. :P I figured I'd post it 'cause maybe someone would like it, even though I myself don't really find it all that entertaining xD Oh well, thanks for reading. I also appreciate reviews, even if they're to remind me how awful this was. Have a nice day!


End file.
